Original Text |
Translated Text |
| Source: Folger Shakespeare Library |
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Enter Sir John Falstaff wearing a buck’s head. FALSTAFF
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve. The
minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist
me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy
Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love,
that in some respects makes a beast a man, in 5
some other a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter,
a swan for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love,
how near the god drew to the complexion of a
goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast; O
Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the 10
semblance of a fowl; think on ’t, Jove, a foul fault.
When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men
do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest,
I think, i’ th’ forest. Send me a cool rut-time,
Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? 15 Enter Mistress Page and Mistress Ford. Who comes here? My doe? | The clock strikes midnight as Falstaff shows up at the park dressed as "Herne the hunter" and wearing a huge set of horns on his head. (Psst. Check out this snapshot of Falstaff from a Globe Theater production.) Falstaff compares himself to Jupiter, the god who turned himself into a swan and raped Europa. Gross. Then he declares that he's a male deer in the middle of mating season. Go ahead and cover your eyes now if you're creeped out by all this because it only gets worse. Next, Falstaff tells us he's so excited that he just might pee his pants or sweat away all his fat, which is what stags were thought to do during mating season. |
MISTRESS FORD
Sir John? Art thou there, my deer, my
male deer? FALSTAFF
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of “Greensleeves,” 20
hail kissing-comfits, and snow eryngoes; let there
come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me
here. He embraces her. MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page is come with me,
sweetheart. 25 FALSTAFF
Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch.
I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for
the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath
your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like
Herne the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of 30
conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true
spirit, welcome. A noise of horns within. MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, what noise? MISTRESS FORD
Heaven forgive our sins! FALSTAFF What should this be? 35 MISTRESS FORD AND MISTRESS PAGE
Away, away. The two women run off. FALSTAFF
I think the devil will not have me damned,
lest the oil that’s in me should set hell on fire. He
would never else cross me thus. | Mistress Ford show up and Falstaff calls out for his doe with "the black scut." ("Scut" meaning "tail" or "pubic hair.") Falstaff gets really worked up at this point and yells out for the sky to rain potatoes. (Potatoes?) Then he grabs Mistress Ford and feels her up. (For some reason, being sexually aroused makes Falstaff think of food. We talk about this in "Symbols.") When Mistress Page announces that her BFF wants to join in on the fun, Falstaff says he's totally down for a threesome—the women can divide his body in half and each have a "haunch." (Yep. Another creepy deer pun.) Some loud noises come from the bushes and Mistresses Page and Ford run away in pretend-fear. |
Enter Mistress Quickly, Pistol, Sir Hugh Evans,
Anne Page and boys, all disguised as Fairies and
carrying tapers. MISTRESS QUICKLY, as Fairy Queen
Fairies black, gray, green, and white, 40
You moonshine revelers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixèd destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes. PISTOL, as Hobgoblin
Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys!— 45
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap,
Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths
unswept.
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery. 50 FALSTAFF, aside
They are fairies. He that speaks to them shall die.
I’ll wink and couch. No man their works must eye. He crouches down and covers his eyes. SIR HUGH, as a fairy
Where’s Bead? Go you, and where you find a maid
That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,
Raise up the organs of her fantasy; 55
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy.
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and
shins. MISTRESS QUICKLY, as Fairy Queen
About, about! 60
Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out.
Strew good luck, aufs, on every sacred room,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom
In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit,
Worthy the owner, and the owner it. 65
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower.
Each fair installment, coat, and sev’ral crest
With loyal blazon evermore be blest!
And nightly, meadow fairies, look you sing, 70
Like to the Garter’s compass, in a ring.
Th’ expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And Honi soit qui mal y pense write
In em’rald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white, 75
Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knighthood’s bending knee.
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
Away, disperse! But till ’tis one o’clock,
Our dance of custom round about the oak 80
Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget. | Mistress Quickly, Anne Page, Sir Hugh, and the little kids jump out of the bushes in their creepy little fairy costumes and start chanting and dancing. Falstaff is terrified. (Obviously, these kids aren't dressed like Tinker Bell or the Tooth Fairy.) He thinks he'll die if he speaks to the fairies, so he throws himself on the ground and covers his face. Which actually seems like a good move. Mistress Quickly (disguised as the "Fairy Queen") starts in on a crazy, rhyming song. She orders her "elfs" and "oafs" to flit over to Windsor Castle and sprinkle it with "good luck." While they're at it, she wants them to deck it out with flower petals and clean it with flower juice to get it ready for the Order of the Garter. Go to "Symbols" and we'll tell you more about this. |
SIR HUGH, as a fairy
Pray you, lock hand in hand. Yourselves in order set;
And twenty glowworms shall our lanterns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But stay! I smell a man of Middle Earth. 85 FALSTAFF, aside
Heavens defend me from that Welsh
fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese. PISTOL, as Hobgoblin, to Falstaff
Vile worm, thou wast o’erlooked even in thy birth. MISTRESS QUICKLY, as Fairy Queen, to Sir Hugh
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end.
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend 90
And turn him to no pain. But if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. PISTOL, as Hobgoblin
A trial, come! SIR HUGH, as a fairy
Come, will this wood take fire? Sir Hugh puts a taper to Falstaff’s finger, and he starts. FALSTAFF
O, O, O! 95 MISTRESS QUICKLY, as Fairy Queen
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!
About him, fairies. Sing a scornful rhyme,
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. Here they pinch him and sing about him, and Doctor
Caius comes one way and steals away a boy in white.
And Slender comes another way; he takes a boy in
green. And Fenton steals Mistress Anne Page. FAIRIES sing
Fie on sinful fantasy!
Fie on lust and luxury! 100
Lust is but a bloody fire
Kindled with unchaste desire,
Fed in heart whose flames aspire
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually; 105
Pinch him for his villainy.
Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,
Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out. A noise of hunting is made within, and all the fairies
run away from Falstaff, who pulls off his buck’s head
and rises up. Enter Page, Mistress Page,
Mistress Ford and Ford. | Sir Hugh (disguised as a fairy) says he "smells" a mortal man. Uh, oh. Look out Falstaff! Mistress Quickly tells the kids to burn him with their candles to test whether or not he's got a "corrupted heart." The children/fairies mob up on Falstaff and proceed to burn him with their candles and pinch him with their little fingers. Ouch. Little kid pinches are the worst. During the fray, Doctor Caius rushes out and grabs the fairy dressed in green. Then, Slender pops out of the woods and grabs the fairy dressed in white. Meanwhile, Fenton grabs Anne and they run off. After the scary fairy song, Falstaff gets up and tries to make a run for it, but the Pages and the Fords jump out and confront him. |
PAGE, to Falstaff
Nay, do not fly. I think we have watched you now.
Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your turn? 110 MISTRESS PAGE
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.—
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
She points to the horns.
See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town? FORD, to Falstaff
Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? 115
Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly
knave. Here are his horns, Master Brook. And,
Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford’s
but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty
pounds of money, which must be paid to Master 120
Brook. His horses are arrested for it, Master
Brook. MISTRESS FORD
Sir John, we have had ill luck. We
could never meet. I will never take you for my love
again, but I will always count you my deer. 125 FALSTAFF I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass. FORD
Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs are extant. FALSTAFF
And these are not fairies. I was three or four
times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet
the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of 130
my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into
a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all
rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now
how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when ’tis upon
ill employment. 135 SIR HUGH
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got and leave your
desires, and fairies will not pinse you. FORD
Well said, Fairy Hugh. SIR HUGH And leave you your jealousies too, I pray
you . 140 FORD
I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art
able to woo her in good English. FALSTAFF Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it,
that it wants matter to prevent so gross o’erreaching
as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? 145
Shall I have a coxcomb of frieze? ’Tis time I were
choked with a piece of toasted cheese. SIR HUGH Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is
all putter. FALSTAFF “Seese” and “putter”? Have I lived to stand at 150
the taunt of one that makes fritters of English?
This is enough to be the decay of lust and late
walking through the realm. MISTRESS PAGE
Why, Sir John, do you think though we
would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the 155
head and shoulders, and have given ourselves
without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could
have made you our delight? FORD What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax? MISTRESS PAGE A puffed man? 160 PAGE Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails? FORD And one that is as slanderous as Satan? PAGE
And as poor as Job? FORD And as wicked as his wife? SIR HUGH And given to fornications, and to taverns, 165
and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings
and swearings and starings, pribbles and
prabbles? FALSTAFF
Well, I am your theme. You have the start of
me. I am dejected. I am not able to answer the 170
Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o’er
me. Use me as you will. FORD
Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor to one
Master Brook, that you have cozened of money,
to whom you should have been a pander. Over and 175
above that you have suffered, I think to repay that
money will be a biting affliction. PAGE
Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a posset
tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to
laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her 180
Master Slender hath married her daughter. MISTRESS PAGE, aside
Doctors doubt that. If Anne
Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius’
wife. | Mistress Page does a little taunting, and Master Ford tells Falstaff that "Brook" isn't a real person—it was Master Ford in disguise. And by the way, Ford is going to take Falstaff's horses until Falstaff can pay him back the money he took from him. Falstaff takes off his horns and admits that he's been made into "an ass." (Does this sound familiar? In A Midsummer Night's Dream, a mischievous wood sprite literally turns a guy's head into that of an ass, making him the butt of the play's biggest joke.) Everyone (and we do mean everyone) stands around bagging on Falstaff for acting like such a fraidy cat. Finally, they take pity on him: Master Page invites Falstaff to his house for a wedding feast. (Remember, Page thinks Anne is off eloping with Slender.) Mistress Page snickers to the audience because she thinks Anne is off getting hitched to Doctor Caius, not Slender. |
Enter Slender. SLENDER
Whoa, ho, ho, Father Page! 185 PAGE Son, how now! How now, son! Have you
dispatched? SLENDER
“Dispatched”? I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire
know on ’t. Would I were hanged, la, else! PAGE
Of what, son? 190 SLENDER
I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress
Anne Page, and she’s a great lubberly boy. If it had
not been i’ th’ church, I would have swinged him,
or he should have swinged me. If I did not think it
had been Anne Page, would I might never stir! And 195
’tis a post-master’s boy. PAGE
Upon my life, then, you took the wrong— SLENDER
What need you tell me that? I think so, when
I took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him,
for all he was in woman’s apparel, I would not 200
have had him. PAGE
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you
how you should know my daughter by her
garments? SLENDER
I went to her in white, and cried “mum,” 205
and she cried “budget,” as Anne and I had appointed,
and yet it was not Anne, but a post-master’s
boy. MISTRESS PAGE
Good George, be not angry. I knew of
your purpose, turned my daughter into green, 210
and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery,
and there married. Enter Doctor Caius. DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened!
I ha’ married un garçon, a boy; un paysan, by
gar, a boy. It is not Anne Page. By gar, I am 215
cozened. MISTRESS PAGE
Why? Did you take her in green? DOCTOR CAIUS
Ay, be gar, and ’tis a boy. Be gar, I’ll raise
all Windsor. FORD
This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne? 220 | Just then, Slender shows up and declares that he thought he ran off with Anne but when he got to the church, he discovered that his bride was a stable boy. (Yeah. that's creepy alright. Shakespeare's always making jokes about men who like young boys. Go read about the ending of Twelfth Night if you don't believe us. But remember that the women on stage would be been played by boys anyway, so it might be less creepy and more of a wink at the audience.) Next, Doctor Caius shows up and announces that he has just married a peasant boy. What's going on here? |
Enter Fenton and Anne Page. PAGE
My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.—
How now, Master Fenton! ANNE
Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon. PAGE Now, mistress, how chance you went not with
Master Slender? 225 MISTRESS PAGE
Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid? FENTON
You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.
You would have married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, 230
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
Th’ offense is holy that she hath committed,
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title,
Since therein she doth evitate and shun 235
A thousand irreligious cursèd hours
Which forcèd marriage would have brought upon her. FORD, to Page and Mistress Page
Stand not amazed. Here is no remedy.
In love the heavens themselves do guide the state.
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate. 240 FALSTAFF
I am glad, though you have ta’en a special
stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath
glanced. PAGE
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy.
What cannot be eschewed must be embraced. 245 FALSTAFF
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased. MISTRESS PAGE
Well, I will muse no further.—Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days.—
Good husband, let us every one go home
And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire— 250
Sir John and all. FORD
Let it be so, Sir John.
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word,
For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford. They exit. | Fenton strolls in with Anne on his arm, and it's obvious these two crazy kids just got hitched. Anne is pretty quiet, but Fenton has plenty to say. He chastises the Pages for trying to make Anne marry someone she didn't love. He says that even though Anne "disobeyed" her parents, they can't put her on restriction or take away her iPhone, because getting married is "holy." Since this is a comedy, Master and Mistress Page decide there's nothing left to do but welcome their new son-in-law into the family instead of, oh, slaughtering everyone like they might in a tragedy. Everyone runs off to the Page house to watch the happy couple smash wedding cake in each others' faces. Ford wants to have the last word so he looks tells Falstaff he's kept his word to Master Brook, because Master Brook will be sleeping with Ford's wife tonight. Ha! Get it? We call that being a pretty good sport, considering what a doofus Falstaff was with all of his braggy insults. And that's...the end. What? You want more? Fine. Go read "What's Up With the Ending." |